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Risky Business

My friend Steve and I were emailing yesterday and we ended up reminiscing our friendship and how we first met. We went through and re-read emails that were exchanged three years ago revolving around Steve’s interest in me and my reluctance to move forward with anything. When I told Steve I was not ready for anything, he chose to just throw in the towel and back off. Of course looking back that was the right decision since we were only destined to be friends, but Steve now thinks he took the easy way out and in his words from yesterday “took the wuss way out”, and if that situation presented itself again today he would be more apt to wait and see.

He said that he’s recently been asking himself what it means to RISK in a situation and deciphering his fears from what God might be asking him to face.

So now I’m thinking about risk and fear and how I approach those things. What do I hold back from because I’m scared? Where do I take risks? When is God trying to guide me to a place of vulnerability but my fear takes reign and I do nothing?

I don’t have any answers to that right now. But I hope the next time I’m faced with an option or choice I actively reconcile what it is I’m afraid of and why before responding. I don’t believe this is limited to more “attractive” decisions such as going for that job, opting to pursue that person who caught your eye, or taking on another project/volunteering, but it can also encompass making a challenging decision that isn’t attractive and feels sad, and yet know that difficult decision will reap greatness later. I whole-heartedly believe the expression, “The greatest risks lead to the greatest rewards,” so if I do believe how does my faith support that notion?

Clearly God already has declared who He is…now I just need to actively believe it.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him. (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his son is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42: 5,8)

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress; my God in whom I trust." (Psalm 91:1-2)

Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them, and show them my salvation. (Psalm 91:14-16)

"Kiss it goodbye"

My roommate sent me this excerpt from a pastor of The Village Church (Matt Chandler). I appreciate his honesty in addressing how Christians view dating and somehow we've lost of focus of how we're wired. Anyway, here is the paragraph:

***

Now, I want to say couple words to the single men and women in here. There's some weird things that have happened among Evangelicals, and I blame it mainly on really bad Christian dating books...courting, whatever. Call it what you want. Kiss it goodbye. Do whatever you want to do, but I want to say this. In this moment, God sees that it's not good for man to be alone, creates the woman, and in so doing, He creates marriage. He creates marriage. “It's not good for this man to be alone. For this man to become all that I want him to be, I will give him woman. And woman combined with man will make him the cultivator, the creator that I want him to be.” But something's happened in Evangelical circles where, if you're single, you're supposed to not want to get married but be content in a spot, and that's somehow more glorifying than to follow God's wiring of you to want a mate. So in the end, what happens is you walk around like a liar. I mean poor young ladies, almost all of them have been told “As soon as you're content, God will send you a man.” So you've got hundreds of thousands of women running around acting content. “I'm content. Where is he?” And you've got other guys going, “You know, I'm just going to wait for God to bring me the right one.” Well, you ain't waiting for God to bring you your dinner; you get up and you go cook it. So, it's a mandate from God to be married. Now, I'm not telling you to hunt, all camouflaged up in Bed, Bath & Beyond. “What is that, a 1000 count sheet? Yeah, I like that too...” That's a little bit ridiculous, but let me say this. Ladies, if you're single, there is nothing wrong, sinful or wicked about desiring a husband. Anyone who would say otherwise is absolutely lying to you. God wired you for it; He built you for it. Men, there's nothing wrong, wicked or evil about wanting a wife. I don't know when that happened. Now listen, I do think you need to be content with where you are today. But listen, I'm content with what Christ is doing in me today, but I don't want to be who I am today. I'm hoping for Christ to complete what He began. It's okay; it's alright. Why have we made it so complicated? It's okay to want a wife. It's okay to want a husband. Those things are good things. They're really good things.

Loss

I don't often let myself think about Cancer.

But sometimes I have weird Cancer Thoughts. Sometimes I let the devastation of that general diagnosis sink in, especially when I put specific faces to that illness.

And it basically rips my heart out.

Especially when I read blog's about children who have cancer. Innocent, young, energetic, wide-eyed children who are robbed their childhood. And it goes beyond cancer, but any sort of debilitating disease that limits the way a child should function in the world.

Is it strange that sometimes I think I don't want children because I fear them getting sick someday and I don't know if I could handling losing a child? I think about how my world collapsed when my mom was sick and I can't imagine that feeling if it was a child of mine. A literal extension of my DNA who I prayed for all these years; a tiny miracle I was able to create with another man, and yet this child might not be with me for long.

I don't know. I don't know if I could do it. I don't know how these parents do it:

http://smithscooptexas.blogspot.com/
http://www.selbysonline.blogspot.com/
http://www.roehfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

These real, gut-wrenching blogs about families who are battling a child's illness or lost a child shortly after birth. These aren't blogs about dating, men, and singleness. They are about real loss and flipped upside down worlds.

I would never actually avoid having children because I am too fearful, but sometimes it just crosses my mind.

The Friend Zone

Just when you thought you were safe…watch out - he’s baaaack!

The Professor sent me a text late last Sunday evening giving me hard time for being home so early on a holiday weekend. He lives in the neighborhood and drives by from time to time. We had some back and forth messages and they resulted in him asking to hang out the next day. Unfortunately that didn’t work in the end, but he text me yesterday and we met up last night.

Of course being the silly girl I am, I spent Sunday night through yesterday afternoon spinning over this situation. I knew I had to say something and basically tell him he’s confusing and I don’t understand his intentions. I rehearsed in my head what I would tell him and felt really good about closing this chapter. It serves me no purpose to spend time with a guy I find attractive and yet he’s not very cognizant of my feelings.

Our evening started at happy hour at new bar in our neighborhood and things were easy right away. The awkward pauses we used to have last winter are gone and we just jumped right into talking and catching up. It was nice. And along the way, I was reminded of things about him I didn’t love. He has some “interesting” views on very significant things and they differ from mine. In fact I would almost categorize our differing perspectives as “deal breakers”. The more he shared his thoughts on various subjects the less attracted I became to him. Which was great for me since I knew I had to bring up this topic later and all the words I rehearsed in my head didn’t seem to matter anymore since he didn’t matter as much to me anymore.

The evening moved to a new pizza joint since we were both hungry. The conversation started to move in a more personal direction and I could feel the moment approaching…and then, he brought it up. He just blurted out how he really wants to be friends with me and feels like I’m an important person and can add value to his life. I said I was glad he brought this up because that was my plan tonight. I was quite skeptical about the “friendship” proposal, but he seemed so sincere about it and said he knew it would be tricky given our past, but he really wanted to try. And I'm sure you're wondering why I couldn't just tell him I didn't want that, but when someone is looking across the table from you and asking to be friends it is difficult to say, "uh, nooooo." I told him I was apprehensive about it and I am not one for guy friends, especially guy friends with a past like ours. I said I could try it, but wasn’t sure how it would work. He understood and said it would be a new thing for him as well.

For me I don’t really understand the point and I have enough friends. But he seemed so set on it and really wants to try, though I don't see myself putting forth a ton of effort. Oh well…

It was semi-refreshing. I added that I was curious how long we would actually be friends, especially if one of us starting dating someone. So now we’re friends. Just friends. I guess we could still cross paths every once in awhile, but there won’t be anymore dramatic updates on my blog about “OMG – guess who I just saw!!”

Doing the Math

I realize how hard it is to measure the stop and start of new seasons in life when nothing is new to start or stop. I have literally had the exact same lifestyle since I graduated from college and aside from my birthday there is nothing to "start".
Many of my friends with kids are watching their pre-schooler kick off the start for a new school year this month. And while they are just the parents, they're personally embracing this new season and looking at Fall as a fresh start, just like a kid starting school. They have their adult version of a new back pack, sharpened pencils, and eagerly awaiting what the next few months holds for them.

So now I'm searching for that same way to acknowledge a fresh start, measure the success, and recognize when it has arrived. And I figure turning 30 next summer is a great timeline to work with. I decided this to make this the year of numbers and changing those numbers.

Here are several examples:

• Increasing the savings account
• Decreasing any debt
• Decreasing the number on the scale
• Increasing my weights at the gym
• Increasing how far I can run

Now I do have actual numbers in mind for the above examples, but I'll just keep that to myself. However, I promise you when I achieve those numbers, I'll call it out since it will be a great accomplishment.

I'm well on my way and have achieved my first round of bulking up the savings and I've joined a new gym and am in my third week of consistently attending my weight class. Now I need to up my weekly running, but that will happen soon (this week).

So I'm bound and determined to measure my 20s as a success with a great financial foundation building and fit figure to show for it. I hope the 30s will be a time to measure NEW life changes, and I'll use the next 10.5 months of my 20s to tie up some lazy loose ends.

The Wife

I find it fascinating that no matter how far removed from the past you, it can become your present in seconds. Locked away thoughts, memories, feelings, and dreams can be stored away on a back shelf until a quick jolt brings them out.

I met my ex-boyfriends wife yesterday for the first time. Due to the magic and convenience of Facebook I had already stalked her and knew her face and seen wedding pictures. And for the record, it didn't bother me to see those pictures - it's been a LONG time now. Three years this month since Ryan and I last spoke. Three years ago this month since I let the feelings go and began the healing process.

My friend Megan hosted a jewelry party and at her home and before I left the house I had the strangest thought when it crossed my mind that Ryan's wife could be at the party. Perhaps that was the Holy Spirit preparing me so I could be gracious if and when our paths did cross.

So I met her [Melissa] and she was lovely. Very kind, thoughtful, and truly sweet. In fact when I first introduced myself to her she asked if we had met before because I looked familiar. I sort of awkwardly laughed, but had no desire to mention my connection to her husband. However, she immediately figured it out and said, "Oh you're Kari! You used to date Ryan!" Um, yeeessssss...I laughed and said that was true.

And from that moment on she was so kind to me. Almost to the point of shocking when she would causally ask me "Could you get Ryan to find a red wine to drink?" Or "He has so many great things from when you guys were dating" - referring to my discount at work and all the hook-ups that guy benefited from. She also added that I must be so adventurous because Ryan experienced so many wonderful things his first year in Denver and attributed it to me and how fun I was. She made me feel so comfortable with her kindness.

I even told her I was nervous to meet her, knowing our paths would cross someday. I even added, "sometimes when things don't work out the way you expected them to, your best side isn't brought out". Clearly I was wondering how often Ryan mentioned his Crazy ex Kari. But Melissa assured me Ryan only spoke highly of me and had nothing but the best things to say about me. And clearly he does talk about me (or probably used to) because she knew my face, our stories, our adventure, and our activities.

For what it was worth all of this offered me healing I didn't know I needed. And maybe I didn't need it, but it was nice to have. Our breakup was so painful to me and the way it ended always offers me an unpleasant memory, but somehow hearing that I was important to Ryan, and our relationship meant something to him, made me feel validated. Ryan was never one to offer up how he felt about me or about anything. His relaxed attitude in general sort of masked emotions and feelings, and as a woman it was easy to long for any sort of indicator of how he felt.

So hearing through his wife that I played an important role in his life and our relationship meant something to him was sort of what I needed to hear since I never heard that from Ryan. Melissa is lovely and if it wasn't for the fact I dated her husband, I think I could friends with her.

Had My Phil

If you read back a few posts you'll remember Phil the Red Head I went out with late last month. We had drinks, did karaoke and had an overall pleasant evening. Since that date he's been emailing me everyday and texting [while on vacation]. He even texted me at 6am Saturday morning to wish me good luck on the ride. I really appreciated how assertive he was in terms of pursuing me. It's the sort of stuff we girls always hope for. And last night he called and we chatted for 2.5 hours. It was funny, easy, and not too shabby. I did mention church a time or two, but received nothing back in terms of curiosity, interest, or appreciation. Which lends itself to be suspicious if he too has a relationship with God.

Tonight he picked me up for our second date at a local Mediterranean restaurant. Unfortunately before the night started I knew I wasn't interested anymore. I was already missing the attraction element, and then to lose hope on the faith front didn't help either. I noticed my interest in him was definitely limited to a friend connection with a 'nice guy'.

And unfortunately for him I was probably not the most amazing date in the world. Without that extra giddiness and glow, it becomes just a polite exchange of conversing. He asked me lots of questions, and seemed really interested in getting to know me. I went through the motions of chatting with him, and while he was super nice, I eventually got to the point of the evening where I didn't see the point of the evening.

And we did touch on the church thing and he said he was pretty indifferent to it[God], although he did grow up going to church and youth group, and his mom still begs him to come to church all the time.

By 10:30pm I called attention to the time and put my purse on my lap, trying to encourage an exit. We walked back to his car and headed to my house. Once in the driveway he seemed really content chatting it up with me and didn't want the night to end. And I was sitting there planning what I would say in case he asked me out again. The conversation continued for at least twenty more minutes as I tried to find an escape route, but couldn't seem to find a permissible way to get out of the car.

I thanked him for the evening again and stated how much I enjoyed dinner. He then mentioned trying out another restaurant the next time, one we had just chatted about. I knew this was my moment to say something. Heart racing...."You know, I just think I'm missing something between us and probably won't go out again. I really enjoyed tonight and getting to know you, but that extra thing just isn't there for me."

I held my breath wondering how he'd take it. And I was a tad surprised by his response.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I wasn't really sure either. I just couldn't tell if we clicked or not."

I guess I was surprised he said that after all the pursuing he did and the fact that he just asked me out again and didn't seem to want to end the date. Perhaps it was "saving face" or maybe he was losing interest since I wasn't a very good date tonight.

So I went with it. "I know what you mean. Sometimes when two friendly people chat together it's hard to tell if there is a connection or if they're just chatty." I also added that I wanted a connection to be there and I sincerely appreciated his emails and phone calls (hoping to encourage him to still go that route with the next girl).

Urgh. I just hate having these conversations. They do get easier each time and I definitely enjoy "nipping" them right away instead of dealing with it later. There is great freedom in honesty.

So we continued our polite exchange of wishing each other well at work, etc, etc. But I just really wanted to get the heck out of there and not be on this date any longer.

What did I learn this time around? What little nugget can I take from this? Well, I said earlier I needed to either be attracted to him or find him funny before agreeing to a date, and now I've decided I need to be attracted to him period. And I know some readers might argue that they weren't attracted to their husbands at first either, but I would argue back, "You weren't dating him when you figured this out." Once you start agreeing to dates you're sending a message that you're interested and assuming attraction is there. Getting to know a guy in a friends only situation is much different because there isn't the pressure to figure out the chemistry element at the end of each night. It just happens.

So...on to the next. Who will it be? Who knows! But you know an update will shortly follow.

Copper Tri and I didn't die

This Saturday I signed up for the Copper Triangle bike ride with some friends. I was pretty nervous about the ride and rightfully so...It was so hard and I was completely out of my league. I'm not in the best of shape right now and haven't trained much this summer, so it was pretty darn tough. The ride consisted of 78 miles and 4 mountain passes that involved 6,000 feet of climbing. I was quite tempted to throw in the towel at mile 72 and wanted to quit (Vail Pass was SOOOO hard), but managed to push through. What a relief to cross the finish line and be done. It took me 8 crazy hours of ride time and I was riding solo the whole day which made it extra long. While I'm so glad I finished, I'm not terribly excited about the notion of signing up next year. :-)

At the first rest stop I asked a man to take my picture. He looked surprised that I asked, but obliged. Afterwards the lady with him said, "The Governor of Colorado just took your picture." I was stunned for a moment...and then Governor Ritter said, "I think that's the first time someones asked me to take a picture for them [and not with them]." It was so funny! Everyone looks different in spandex and a helmet; that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Our third mnt pass of the day was over Battle Mountain and it was spectacular! The picture speaks for itself! Amy and Adam waited for me at the top of Vail Pass and we finished the ride together. I've never been so happy to finish anything in my life!
On Sunday Amy's coworker and husband took us sailing on Lake Dillon. It was so amazing and beautiful! I got to drive the boat and practice "Tack" and "Jibe". I became quite the pro - what a great time! It was a perfect Colorado weekend full of adventure, sport, beauty, strength, and good friends!

Thursday Thoughts

A coworker of mine was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer last month and I'm completely shocked by it (I just found out yesterday). She's 41 years old and had a clean mammogram last fall. She has two teenagers and a fiance. It's so scary! She's very strong, so I have no doubt she will fight with everything she has, but once again, my own past memories surface and I feel the pain of her situation. If you think of it, please pray for Liz and her kiddos.

I've been chatting and emailing Phil the Red Head all week. He's quite funny and our emails have been fairly entertaining. Nothing serious is discussed, but just touching base and exchanging humorous stories from our day. He's called me several times this week and it's been nice. I appreciate how straight forward his intentions are and there aren't any guessing games. After two failed attempts to nail down time to hang out this week, we're going out Sunday night when I get back from the mountains. I'm actually looking forward to it and really enjoy talking to him. I'm still curious if the attraction or romance piece could develop, but for a now, a nice friendship is in the works.

The Professor sent me a text at 1am on Saturday which begs several questions: 1) Had he been drinking when he texted it? 2) Why is he touching base with me and asking questions? So I text him back Sunday to answer his question and asked how is weekend was. Still no reply. He's so annoying. After our "drink date" three weeks ago I was very content never seeing him again and just moving forward, so when he pops up again I feel frustrated because I know I have to make Big Girl decisions yet again. I logically understand that it is a Dead End road with this man and yet my emotional side kicks in and feelings re-surface. I would like to send him an email that says something along the lines of , "Please don't contact me again unless you're interested in a date and feel emotionally ready for a date with me. Please plan it, pick me up, and pay for it. And make sure it is a fun activity so we can see each other's silly sides and not just have serious talks the whole night."

I'm biking the Copper Triangle this weekend with Amy, Adam, and some other friends. I've only ridden once since the Bike MS ride, so there's a good chance I could die. OK, that's not funny, but seriously...I'm pretty nervous. It's a one day ride of 78 miles and 6,000 ft of elevation gain over three mnt passes. We have a condo for two nights, so I'm focusing on the fun aspect of the weekend, not the ridiculous bike ride part of it.

I achieved my Bike MS fundraising goal this week! Thank you to everyone who supported me emotionally and financially! Now I have a reserved spot in the 2011 ride! Thank You cards with pictures will be mailed out in the next 2 weeks!

Pour Me Another One

I know it is Thursday night and a school night and I have work tomorrow, but I have NO problem staying up past my bedtime for a good night out with the girls line dancing, a quality dinner with a friend or a hot date.

I'm home just after 10:30pm and that is not a good sign.

Wes and I met for drinks tonight at a nice neighbor restaurant/bar near my house. He was running late and I made conversation with another man nearby when he asked me who I was waiting on. I explained it was a first date and we chatted about the woes of dating before Wes arrived.

Let's just say 40min into the date when Wes stepped away I mouthed "Noooooooo" to other guy and he gave me a sympathetic look.

I don't have anything terrible to say about him or his character, but overall we did not click. He was very nice and I can tell he is an all-around good guy. In fact I'm sure he desires a relationship, would love to be married, finds significance in the small things, and values what is important. I just couldn't enjoy my time around him and felt like I was giving 150% to survive and make the most of the evening. Conversation was slow, uninteresting, and quite honestly, I was bored.

I called my friend Jen from work and told her about the date on my way home (especially since she texted me, "if your date's not going well I'm at X bar and you should join me). She said, was it bad like "what was your college major?" or bad like "what do you like to do for fun?". But it was bad like "what was your college major?". There was a rough start to the date with too many formal "get to know you questions" that didn't allow any one's personality to shine and I felt like I had to repeat a lot of what I already told him over the phone or from our first encounter. I really tried to steer from that, but darn it, it kept going back to the basics and I just couldn't try anymore. He was also quite entranced by my tan and mentioned it three or four times and also put a finger on my bare shoulder to touch my skin. It was just awkward (I wish you could have witnessed it because you would have laughed).

Later the conversation moved to "religion" and I found out he's a "Sun Worshipper and Exercise Worshipper" and doesn't consider himself "religious" even though his last girlfriend was "super religious", aka Christian. He mentioned Denver Seminary and how it is a Baptist school that brain-washes people, so I just felt like it wasn't necessary to bring up my Baptist background and support for the school.

Based on my lack of attraction towards him and his lack of "religion" I knew it was time to go. The live music started up at 10pm, and since it became loud I found it very appropriate to end the date (pay my own bill, no coupon required) and leave.

Is it bad when you NEED Chardonnay to get through a date??? Sadly, my wine saw me through those two hours.

We walked a few blocks to the end point before parting ways to our cars and he asked if I would like to go out again and I replied with a direct [& kind] response of "No, I don't think so, but thank you for meeting up with me tonight."

I just couldn't bear the thought of dodging phone calls or text messages and eventually having to say no, so thought I thought it was best to just nip it right then and there. He was super polite and sweet and said OK and no problem, and we hugged and parted ways.

Phew.

I definitely need to only say yes to dates that are a) really good looking and I feel intrigued to go out with him, or b) makes me laugh and has a good personality. I have no motivation for anything else, if I'm being honest...

The C-Word

He dropped the C-word and we haven't even met up for a date yet.

I know I complain when I don't have dates, so I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it's not a good sign to semi-dread one before it starts.

I met Wes at a birthday celebration a few weeks back and we've had some phone conversations and phone tag, and chatted again tonight. After about 15 minutes of semi-awkward chat about where I went grocery shopping that night and how I used to live in MN (he told me MN has a lot of lakes...) we finally threw out the thought of meeting for drinks this week. I have time Thursday evening, so I suggested that night. And since I don't feel like crossing town to meet him, and he offered up how he works from home on Friday, I thought he should come to my neighborhood. He asked if I knew of a place, and I suggested a bar that is pretty fun on Thursday nights and has live music. When I told him the name of the place he said, "I will have to see if the server will let me use my 10% COUPON from volleyball."

Seriously. Did he just mention a COUPON???

It's technically Ladies Night which means $2 drinks for me. Now he'll save $0.20 per drink. Sweet.

What a deal.

He's a Software Engineer who just bought a house in a very nice neighborhood. Let's not mention coupons. And I'm a little sensitive with coupons after a bad blind date 2 years ago when the guy went to pay for dinner at a nice steakhouse but failed to read the fine print and the coupon was returned.

Wes must have realized how lame it sounded and sort of back tracked a bit to down play the coupon. And I tried to be really polite and said something along the lines of "hey, a deals a deal" (but secretly thinking, this date is going to suck). But it's too late dude, you already used the C-word.

It's not a deal-breaker, but it's just funny.

Wish me luck...he seems SUPER nice, but potential DUD (based on some very painful phone convo's).