He gives and takes away

My mom was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer almost exactly two years ago. In fact my mom and I talked about that today. I'll never forget where I was and how I found out. I'll never forget the look on every one's faces as they twisted in despair at this grave information, especially since it came 6 weeks after my sister's Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. It was awful...kick you in the gut, stop on your heart, robbing your life awful. But here my mom is - despite the doctor's expectations, feeling absolutely wonderful. She is healthy, happy, and reclaimed her life. While there is still a good chance of it coming back and she is tested regularly to see if it's out of remission, our family is so thankful for the current status of every one's health.

Even though it's been 15 months since she was in the hospital I still remember everything about it. I remember what is was like to visit her everyday and how I felt. I remember putting on the brave face each day and surrendering myself to her needs and being at her beckon call. I remember getting in the elevator each time after a visit and crying until I got in my car. Then I dried the tears and blasted some pop music to distract myself so I could drive home without causing an accident. I remember imagining so many dark things. I pictured the funeral, what music would play, what I would say. I thought of everything. And I prayed...I prayed until it hurt in the depths of my soul. I got to the point in my prayers where I really handed over my mom to God. "Lord she is not mine, she is yours - do your will, but I would be really appreciative if you kept her around until I at least got married." Well, she is around and I am not married, so God has still technically answered my prayer. :) But my faith was shaken, stirred, and definitely served with a twist since June 2005. I was the closest to the Lord during that time and sometimes I long for that closeness again. How do you remain close and reliant on God when times are good and life is great? How do you keep a faith strong when you feel independent and self-sufficient? Not like I am any of those things, but each day I can tell myself I'm doing just fine. I recently had my heart broken...it hurt and hurts each day. What a great time for me to go to the Lord again and remember to crawl on His lap with my hurt and cry to Him for help. I am so sad, and yet find peace that I have a Lord who is here today and forever and will heal me of this new loss. Not the loss of my mother, but the loss of a partner who I thought I would share my life with.