I don't often let myself think about Cancer.
But sometimes I have weird Cancer Thoughts. Sometimes I let the devastation of that general diagnosis sink in, especially when I put specific faces to that illness.
And it basically rips my heart out.
Especially when I read blog's about children who have cancer. Innocent, young, energetic, wide-eyed children who are robbed their childhood. And it goes beyond cancer, but any sort of debilitating disease that limits the way a child should function in the world.
Is it strange that sometimes I think I don't want children because I fear them getting sick someday and I don't know if I could handling losing a child? I think about how my world collapsed when my mom was sick and I can't imagine that feeling if it was a child of mine. A literal extension of my DNA who I prayed for all these years; a tiny miracle I was able to create with another man, and yet this child might not be with me for long.
I don't know. I don't know if I could do it. I don't know how these parents do it:
http://smithscooptexas.blogspot.com/
http://www.selbysonline.blogspot.com/
http://www.roehfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
These real, gut-wrenching blogs about families who are battling a child's illness or lost a child shortly after birth. These aren't blogs about dating, men, and singleness. They are about real loss and flipped upside down worlds.
I would never actually avoid having children because I am too fearful, but sometimes it just crosses my mind.
1 comment:
I totally get this. In fact, when Tristan was physically born I remember thinking "Oh thank you God, he's here and he's healthy and now I don't have to worry anymore." Ha! Boy was I crazy. The real worrying starts after they get here and you just cringe at every little thing because your job, as their mommy, is to protect them from every single little thing that could harm them in any way so your job, as their mommy, is to envision every potential near death possibility in any given situation. Uplifting right?? Mark tells me sometimes "Honey, relax, just ENJOY them." It is genuinely a CHALLENGE for me to let go and let God handle them. It is a daily struggle to remember that these are not MY children, they're God's children, and in fact, He loves them even more than I do. That being said, I have a friend whose son is sick and I can't even let my brain go there. I can't dwell on it even a little bit because it sucks me down and takes me to a place I don't want to go. Then again, I can be lifted up higher than I ever thought imaginable too, just by my boys hugging each other, loving each other, loving someone else - You never imagine these emotions are inside you and that strong until you have children. I can't WAIT to see you as a mommy. You are going to be FANTASTIC. What a lucky little baby that's waiting for you.
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