The Real Me

I'm struck with several thoughts tonight as I sit here on my bed at 11pm thinking about how the morning will come all too soon after a long, tiring day. My hot shower was a soothing medicine for my busy mind and over-analytical heart. In fact I've discovered that the shower is my one place that I have no noise. There is no radio or internet or phone. My thoughts are the only thing to keep me company. Sometimes that is scary as my mind races with anxiety, but somehow the rush of the warm water provides a sort of rhythmic beat to my internal voice and I'm left with a serene feeling of productive outcomes. Sometimes there are actual outcomes and I make decisions about something and sometimes the outcome is the fact I chose to face the situation at hand and not let it drift off into my pile of "maybe later".

On Sunday a quote continued to flash across the screen as our speaker discussed pain, forgiveness, and the healing that takes place when you bring your pain to the surface and commune with others over their pain.

"May the real me meet the real you" by CS Lewis.

I love it. Truly loved this quote. I've heard it many times before and yet it took on a whole new meaning this time around.

I feel it applying to my dating life as I seek to genuinely understand the true productivity of candid conversation that leads to rattling communication ending with sincere honesty.

I feel it applying to my walk with the Lord and His desire to really want to know me, and not because He created me but because of my choice to commune with Him in the same way I commune with everyone else. Why is I can talk my friends ears off about one situation for a week at a time and yet when did I sit down and discuss it with Him? He above all else will actually be able to help my spinning wheels slow down and pause for a moment as the right solution can only be found from God's voice.

I feel it applying to my friendships and my continual desire to be transparent with them about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And while I have no problem being open myself (right?) I find that maybe I don't create the best environment for people to meet the real me because I'm not allowing them a safe place to bring the real them. And if that is the case than who I am really serving during these conversations? Am I too opinionated? Am I too boastful? Do I brag of my accomplishments instead of listening to their hurts? Do I pipe up with a quick fix instead of an encouraging word? Do I allow my friends to be real with me in a way that their heart needs a safe place?

Oh the reality check of trying to self-improve...