I feel the word forgiveness very present on my heart on these days. Brought on by a relationship that I so desire to “put to rest” in every capacity I’ve spent two years reeling over how to handle my hurt and gain a sense of supreme peace as I release any harboring grief.
I know you’ve heard me talk about this subject a million times on this blog, but I ask that you walk this final step with me as I verbalize some closing thoughts on this subject.
I’ve asked myself a million times in the last 12 months what it means to truly forgive another. I’m not one to hold a grudge or remember details of a bitter argument, but then again I’ve never been hurt deeply by another until the one I loved and hoped to marry couldn’t reciprocate those same feelings. My heart is healed, my life is mended, I have nothing but complete peace over the situation, and I don’t think about this person as often as I once did. And yet, I wanted to somehow officially/formerly/deliberately have a moment where I articulated forgiveness to myself and the Lord over him. However, I wanted to ensure it was done with the utmost sincerity, careful to not to speak ill of him beyond that and close an emotional door that sometimes swung open at inconvenient moments.
My friend and I are reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. We just covered a chapter on forgiveness and while the author took that subject in a different direction than I hoped to explore, it provoked my mind to stir over the subject of forgiveness. I asked my friend “how do you know if you’ve really forgiven someone?” I mean really forgive them. I don’t feel angry anymore, but I still wanted a definitive moment, an “ah ha” moment, where I could neatly define and pinpoint that prayer of forgiveness, and close all wounds completely.
As we began discussing what it meant to forgive, we struggled to come up with a clear answer to this question. And while talking I felt realizations come to mind and it dawned on me that forgiveness is a continual act, not something that is done once and forgotten about. You must choose to remember that you forgave when thoughts of hurt, anger, or disappointment seep into your mind. It is ongoing, and yet with time, those thoughts will drift further and further away.
So I had my definitive moment where I forgave aloud. I released all sense of ill thoughts towards the one who hurt me and each time this person finds their way into my mind, I simply say, “I have forgiven” and I turn off those thoughts and steer myself in another direction.
What a great feeling. To be released from thoughts that were a slight barrier in my spiritual and personal life for 2 years is a comfort. It is closed chapter in my heart and I am very thankful that I can walk with the Lord and know that He is the One who reigns over justice, not me. My justice is human and probably doesn’t hold much grace or beauty.
3 comments:
You go girl. I still struggle with past heartbreak, even though I'm incredibly happy with where I am. Some days, for some crazy reason, I'll remember some old argument or a breakup with an ex and feel a small twinge of the feelings I had when it happened. I don't know why... I think it's an ongoing battle, like you said, and something you have to make a conscious effort to do every day. Good luck - I hope your heart is peaceful. Much love,
Jen
Great post, Kari!
As I was telling you last night, my current battle for forgiving is with that friend that I had a fall-out with. I hope that as time continues to distance me from the situation I can forgive and feel peace.
I'm glad you had this wonderful clarity and feel closure. What a great feeling!
Thankfully forgiveness is daily....an over and over again conscience decision, because if it weren't we wouldn't have Heaven with our Lord and Savior awaiting us!
Love you.
Mel
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