Do you ever find out something and you wish you didn't know it. Not because it was bad news, but because it changed your illusion of the situation and you sort of preferred your other reality? And while you welcome "knowing the truth", you also can't help but feel bummed.
I feel that way about marriage.
On one hand I'm very thankful to be surrounded by friends who have healthy, Christ-centered marriages. Yet on the other hand, sometimes I feel like I know a little "too much".
Let me explain:
My heart desires to find my one true companion in life. I love being known and want someone to know me. I want to share life with another person and experience new adventures together. I don't want every holiday to pass and wish my apartment wasn't empty; even another voice can mend the loneliness. So as a single gal I paint this lovely picture of romance, mystery, excitement, and thrills of the thought of finding this amazing God-gifted love from a handsome man. I'm learning that those things do really exist (the butterflies and fun nights), but for a much smaller time frame than I expected. They exist from the moment two people date and have the conversation that it is exclusive up until 2 months into the marriage when the reality of all decisions wears off and you're left living normal day to day life.
Then the work begins. The hurt, the heartache, the compromise, recognizing daily you're not perfect, being disappointed that he's not perfect, etc. And my friends share these hardships with me, not to warn me off of marriage, but simply sharing their lives. It's not just about the romance, s*x, and bliss of companionship anymore, it's far beyond that. It's work. Hard, hard work from what I hear. And I'm not saying they're warning me of marriage, because they all say it is worth it.
I was reading another blog today in which the author bared her soul by explaining she's had a rough patch in her marriage recently (having 3 kids plus a newborn will do that). She passed along some great wisdom in her blog about how marriage, in some ways, it more about learning how to be like Jesus by serving another person then it is about romance. She goes on to say, "What if marriage was meant to make us holy and not (simply) happy? What if by striving to honor Prince Charming even when he hasn't earned that from me, I then am able to be more like Jesus? Wouldn't that be an awesome outcome for marriage?"
I loved her open heart when she discusses marriage. I love her humility to admit that she's not perfect and needs to give her marriage to the Lord. But at the same time I feel a tad more over- whelmed when I think about finding my love.
In some ways it was easier to just think about marriage as making a list of preferences I'd like in a partner and going on fun dates until I found The One. I could day dream about this fabulous man and his qualities and how I could check them off my list I formed in college and know that God brought me my Mr. Someone Special.
But with my friends insight into the reality of marriage and the blog I shared above, the bloom is off the rose a bit. And I'm struggling to decide if I like that because perhaps I'll be more "prepared" as a wife and go into this with wide eyes, or is it putting additional pressure on my analytical heart to make sure that I really, really, really pick the right guy because I am going to serve him for the rest of my life with the love of Christ. He's not going to be just my Prince Charming who adores me, but I will be his Jesus servant.
But with the heartache of divorce that surrounds us, perhaps I am a tad glad that I've learned marriage is tough and requires a greater love beyond two humans, but rather an over flowing commitment to Christ...during the good, the bad and the ugly.
4 comments:
The marriage vows include going through "the good times and the bad,in sickness and in health, in poor times and prosperity." There are all of those things but think back to your personal struggles. Things always work out and God uses them to help us grow. It is the same in marriage. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing and I thank God every day for blessing me with a partner like Mark. Some days I'm grumpy and hard to live with I'm sure but he sticks by me and that makes me appreciate him even more. Don't be disillusioned. God gave us marriage as a gift and I know you will find your perfect match, someone God has created just for you.
Hey there Kari,
I believe this is my first comment on your blog. Woo-hoo! Okay, down to business...
Not sure if you knew this but that woman's comment ("What if marriage was meant to make us holy...") is exactly the message and subtitle of Gary Thomas' book _Sacred Marriage_. It's a fantastic book and really shaped the way I look at marriage while I was single.
Much cuz love,
Erik
Marriage is a mirror of Christ or at least it should be. The church is called his bride. The beautiful thing about loving someone in spite of themselves is that they do the same for you. There are some tough times but believe me the love becomes even stronger and more passionate because of those hard times. My 4 years of marriage has been the happiest 4 years of my life.
Love you!
Mel
Great point. My takeaway from this? Don't settle. Marriage is hard enough as it is with a person that you're crazy about.
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