Until my answer is yes, my answer is no

“… But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:13b-14 (ESV)

Temptations are all around me, every day, all day at times. Temptations to eat another sweet, temptation to gossip, or temptations to procrastinate another project.

I also have temptations to make un-wise dating decisions. At my core I know that I will overcome these struggles of mixed thoughts and choose what is right, but the initial desire is to suffice my desires with immediate gratification.

I’ve recently had a very weird experience that most of you already know about. In fact I find it quite humorous because I literally got to re-live the exact same situation I experienced five years earlier in my life, but this time I was able to handle it differently.

Five years ago after abruptly ending a long distance *something I found this guy again on Facebook and was able to apologize for my 23 year old response to him when he wanted something from me that I wasn’t able to give. Noting that our faith was in a different place and he was quite passionate, maybe even forcefully intense, it caused me to have justified reservations with this long-distance gentleman and I told him I didn’t think we were a good fit and I wanted to move on. And move on I did when I left for Minneapolis 6 weeks later and started a new adventure.

Now, present day, this guy is calling me again and I, yet again, enjoy our conversations. I admit I am mentally attracted to him thanks to his open communication and intellect, but after dropping mentions of my church, bible study, and faith, I received no reply or interest. My curiosities were sufficed and I knew that nothing had changed in five years.

I felt convicted to tell him that my intentions were not romantic and that this could only be a friendship. After great encouragement from guy friends Joseph and Steve, I knew I needed to be clear and not send out hope. The long-distance man told me last Wednesday night that he wanted to come to Colorado to visit me. While I wasn’t the main attraction since he is from here and has family and friends in the area, I was definitely a motivation for this random, last-minute trip.

Sunday night I chat with him again and he mentioned this visit to CO and how he wanted to see me, and I lead right into my talk. With my heart racing I explained where I was coming from and what I could offer him. He quickly agreed that long-distance wasn’t much of an option, but continued to share all these feelings with me; words that I’ve longed to hear from a guy since my ex and words that any woman would enjoy hearing. He was even prepared to leave his job in California if he knew a relationship waited for him in Colorado. And yet my heart broke since I knew I was causing someone pain since my “rejection” was black and white. I could not offer him gray hope of any kind. He continued to persuade me in hopes that I would change my mind or perhaps lend the possibility that if we spent time together my heart would change and I would be open to a relationship with him. And yet the only thing I could think of was words from Sarah: “Until my answer is yes, my answer is no.” I couldn’t match his desire and I couldn’t pretend that it would change someday.

Of course I love the notion that a man wanted to fly out to see me and wanted to plan a great weekend together. Of course I love that a man adored me for reasons I’ve always wanted to hear. But if the faith piece wasn’t there, then all else didn’t matter.

Now I sit here with temptations of wanting to explore what “could be”. Temptations to enjoy a fun weekend full of dates or temptations of hearing electric words that are laced with romance. And yet when I sit and remind myself of these temptations I find they aren’t so tempting after all since I know what this man desires from me is not what God desires for me. And peace flows through my body. I don’t know if God wills me to be a wife a someday, but I also know he wills me to steer clear of relationships that seize to honor my relationship with Him.

So unless I feel a strong YES surging from my heart, I will have to say NO to relationship hopefuls that don’t share a foundation that is essential to my being.

“… But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:13b-14 (ESV)

*Something refers to a relationship that wasn’t technically a relationship, but it was filled with emotions, intentions, and expectations…