Playing Dress Up

Gretchen left a comment on one my blog post's that said, "The more I learn the more I realize I don't know."

I feel that applies so frequently to my Christian walk. The more I understand how Christ wants me to live and act, the more I realize I don't, which in turns, causes me to question myself, my faith, and the core of who I am - and I feel challenged, tired, and weary at times.

Do you ever feel like you're playing "Christian Woman"? Her character is wise, patient, friendly, always praying, knows a few verses off hand, and quick to think of godly solutions for 99% of all problems. I know in those moments of doing all those things I don't actually think to myself, "I'm a fraud! I'm just pretending to be this amazing woman full of Christ, but I don't really believe the words I'm saying." I know my heart is sincere and is truly striving for truth in all words expressed, and yet sometimes I wonder if I'm just full of it because I've been wired to think about God for 27 years, and those words are reactionary, not necessarily heartfelt.

I was getting caught up on my daily Proverbs 31 Daily Devotions today and read the one from last Thursday. The author says, "What if someone followed me around with a video camera all day documenting my every move? Catching on camera all of my words, facial expressions, actions, and reactions. And then what if someone packaged it all together and played it on some sort of reality TV show for all the world to see. What would be the glaring message of my life?"

She goes on to talk about how she desires to be a loving wife, but finds herself grumpy and selfish. She yearns to be a patient and wise mother, and yet she responds with strong emotions when her kids push her buttons.

If I had a secret video camera following me around all day, how would I represent myself on camera, especially when no one is looking, and I'm not in the spotlight of bible study, church, or conversations with believers? Do I still think the same things I would if I were in bible study? Do I still say the same encouraging words to myself that I say to my friends? Is my gut instinct to be ignorantly human, or is to turn to Him with my shortcomings?

I am sinful and I am human. I know that. You know that. But I also want to wear Christ on my sleeve, feel Him on the tip of tongue, and tugging at my heart strings when I feel myself slipping into a moment of lowly humanness. We are so blessed to be in a relationship with someone who offers so much grace during our unfortunate frustrations in life. So I pray that God will help strengthen my private moments of vulnerability and reality, and mirror them consistently with my public persona of "Christian Woman". But this time I don't want to feel like a fraud, but I want it to be my soul's desire, conquest, and utter passion to feel the Holy Spirit intertwined with me.

Hebrews 12:11, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."